The holiday season draws near and you’re looking forward to meet up with you gal/guy. As always there are several plans to be alone and show “some love”. Perhaps you are about to join university—finally get the chance to leave home and be “free”. You basically run your own life. You will meet all sorts of people, perhaps be influenced in one way or the other. During Fresher’s Bash be exposed to ‘unlimited’ alcohol maybe even drugs, Sexy Chiqs and Hot Guys
The other day, somebody sent me words of a woman in her 20s. Words about how she regretted waiting until she was married. How she’d waited until her wedding night and how she wished she hadn’t. How waiting wrecked a deep and real part of her. How all those years of no made her ashamed of when she finally said her marital yes. How she couldn’t be intimate after she got married because she still felt she’d be in sin.
She felt the only way she could heal, that her marriage could survive was if she chose: a God relationship or marital relations. Guess what she chose? Hey — I get it. I really, really get it. I waited and I was her.
After getting it into your head that you don’t — it can take a long time after you say “I do”. Well yes, your mouth said it, but for the rest of you to say it. You just need to know that your father is a very caring man who knows that the soul of a woman needs to feel a deep safeness before you ever touch the skin of a woman. And I guess that is exactly the point that nobody really told us: Your skin is the outer layer of your soul.
Your skin and your soul are one in ways that Hollywood and MTV and the mall won’t ever tell you. Your skin and your soul are profoundly connected and this is a deeply beautiful thing. There is no shame in this.
So contrary to what hook-up culture may be touting in the back halls of high schools and behind the closed doors of university dorm rooms — there’s nothing casual about giving away your soul. The union of two bodies is nothing less than the union of two souls.
So I guess that is the question your generation has to answer—- Why do with your body what neither of you are willing or ready to do with the whole of your life? When someone isn’t willing or ready for spiritual oneness, emotional oneness, legal oneness, financial oneness — why let them steal physical and soul oneness from you?
And the thing was, after I said I do, I somehow thought there was shame in what my body needed to do —- instead of beauty in what my soul had to give. Somehow the focus during my youth had been on mere skin — instead of on ultimate soul-intimacy.
Physical intimacy should mirror a whole, unconditional and covenantal acceptance of each other forever. In spite of our shortcomings and flaws, to love each other with a passion that is willing to die-to-self.
Hook-up culture may have cheapened sex and legalistic cultures may have shamed it, but the real Truth is you can’t contain the otherworldly beauty of it: Physical union is unparalled. On top of this, scripture’s call to abstain from premarital and extramarital relations is not about controlling the power of male/female sexuality — it’s about reflecting the otherworldly power of God-soul exclusivity.
Sex connects you to someone not only physically, but the intimacy shared lingers with you forever. Psychologists have claimed that when you have sex with someone, a part of your soul remains with them. Why someone will never forget any of the people they had sex with, be it even 100. Getting married is a Holy deed. Even in the traditional setting marriage is not taken lightly. This is because it believed that this person is there to complete and complement you. Sex is not just another physical act. It is an intimate union. That is why when people want to divorce the process is slow, as others try to help them resolve their issues. The exclusive communion between husband and wife reflects our exclusive communion between soul and body.
They may be saying something different on the university campuses or school grounds, but listen for the holiness of it: Union isn’t merely physical self-expression to feel good — it’s ultimately about soul self-giving to love. In as much as we may find church-stuff and God-speech boring and preachy, the ‘Holy’ ones have a point, they have also been backed up by science. All religions call for people to abstain until marriage. They acknowledge that sex is not just a physical union. It is a God-made ceremony to express the exclusivity and intimacy and totality of oneness —- and if you use physical intimacy to express anything less than that, you’ve destroyed its very meaning.
Abstaining may not be popular, but I guarantee you it is powerful. Unless physical union is about making committed, covenantal love — the essence of its meaning is destroyed. Hear me — no matter what’s happened in the past — it is not too late to practice secondary virginity. There isn’t one of us that hasn’t been broken and there isn’t one of us that doesn’t belong.
Your Dad and I have learned that feelings come and feelings go and feelings cannot sustain a relationship. A relationship needs something stronger than feelings for it to endure and flourish —-Relationships need the safety and strength of a binding, legal covenant to thrive. A covenant is the most powerful infrastructure to be powerfully intimate. You have to commit wholly and unconditionally in spite of your partner’s imperfections. You have to love passionately-till death.
Your Dad and I can vow, to keep renewing our covenant with that intimate ceremony of an old and practiced passion that is quietly ours. Remember this: Your naked body deserves the honor of being shared only with someone who is covenanted to never stop loving your naked soul.
Maybe if we taught the truth that the joy of physical oneness is but an echo of the joy of spiritual oneness far more often, maybe it would not only make waiting until marriage make more sense — but it would make marital intimacy make real happy love.